It’s been a rough few weeks/months/years (delete as applicable)…
Recently I made the decision to take a step back and re-evaluate life. I felt like I needed a little bit of a break from all of the chaos of working on lots of different projects at once and the chance to figure out where I was going.
I thought this would be a brilliant idea and would give me a new perspective on things and in a way it has, although not quite in the way I was expecting.
I am used to being very busy. I do not cope well with doing nothing and I’ve finally begun to realise why that is.
As we pass through life there are many issues and problems that crop up, most of us like to think that we deal with them and then move on with our lives. But what I’ve begun to realise is that actually a lot of issues have not been dealt with, merely brushed to one side in a concerted effort to find some sort of normality with which to continue. The avoidance of these issues means that actually they build up and up until when you do finally stop you get completely overwhelmed with them and they all flood to the surface at once, until you’re desperately trying to keep your head above the rising tide of emotions that are sweeping in to drown you. Gasping for breath you finally manage to utter a cry for help and thankfully the cry is heard and you begin to start unravelling the tangled web of emotional rubbish that’s been clogging up your mind and weighing you down.
It has been an emotional rollercoaster for the last few weeks. I’ve been scared, anxious, worried, paranoid, happy, sad, angry, doubtful, hopeful and everything inbetween. I haven’t solved anything yet but I am beginning to get a better understanding of who I am and why I am like I am.
You do however begin to question your own sanity. How is it actually possible to have so much locked up inside and still function? But somehow we do? We go on because we have to, because there is no other way but forwards. There may be some people reading this who think I’m mad for posting about it, but actually I don’t care. I’d prefer to be honest and open and discuss things rather than hiding them away.
I’ve always strongly believed in not looking back. The past is the past for a reason. We all make mistakes and we all make questionable decisions but either you learn from it and move on or you let it consume you and eat away at you. Everything that has happened has in someway shaped the person that you are. Every experience, good or bad. And I used to fine with that but actually I’ve realised that I need to better understand the past to deal with issues that are current, that whether I like it or not are intrinsically linked to things that aren’t quite right now.
It’s not going to be an easy task and there are a lot of things to sort out. Does it make me mad or crazy? No, I don’t think so, if anything it reminds me that I’m human and not infalliable. I don’t know if anyone else has issues that they haven’t dealt with or whether I’m alone in this? But I’m going to approach it as openly and honestly as I can because that’s the way I deal with things. At the moment things are a bit too raw to go into detail but at some point soon I will post about some of the issues and how I’ve been trying to deal with them.
We’re all searching for happiness. For that thing or things that make us feel good and give us the warm fuzzy feeling inside. It may be something as simple as a good morning text from a special person or a hug or just a kind word spoken. Just because we have issues does not mean that we can’t be happy. Happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be sad. You can find seeds of happiness in the smallest things and the weirdest of places.
But ultimately it’s actually okay not to be okay.
I think we waste too much time desperately searching for happiness that somewhere along the way we lose sight of what is important and that’s just being happy in the here and now. Start with the small things and when they slot into place the bigger things will follow. Life is too short not to enjoy what you’ve got and be happy with it, and if you’re not careful you’ll look up one day and it will be too late and all that you will see as you look over your shoulder are all of things you never quite did because the time wasn’t right or things you never tried because you were too busy looking for something better. The here and now is all we have and we can choose to make that what we want it to be. We have the choice and we have the power to be anything or do anything that we want. Sometimes we just need to be brave and accept who we truly are and when we’ve done that an infinite world of possibilities opens up before us.