Patterns, patterns everywhere. Things that seem to keep on reoccurring. Repetition.
This is going to be a bit of a ramble and I’m not sure where it’s heading but I felt the need to write it down. So here goes…
Do you ever feel that no matter how much things change, certain aspects of your life seem to loop back around again? Things go full circle. Not to go too Lion King on you but it’s very much “circle of life”.
I’ve been noticing lots of things recently with family members and friends and I keep seeing patterns emerging. My life is very different now compared to when I was a child but recently I’ve seen events loop back around again and patterns of behaviour that I haven’t seen for probably 20 years are returning to those around me.
It’s surreal and unsettling. And hard to write about in detail without revealing too much about those involved.
My nieces are staying with us at the moment. One is 4 and the other is 11. The 11 year old in particular is almost experiencing the same issues that I had at school and it’s horrible to watch. It’s like looking through a portal in time and seeing yourself and watching yourself go through some pretty tough things. And again feeling powerless to do anything about it. She won’t accept help and the school are being less than great at sorting things out.
We’ve had a lot of stuff to deal with over the last few years but recently it seems like the family is dealing with things by reverting back to patterns of behaviour from a long time ago and it’s weird to be a part of it. It’s weird to watch. And I don’t like it.
I’ve always been a big believer of carving my own path and being able to change to move forward. But I’m beginning to wonder how much of the changes are real and how many are superficial, on the surface. Or perhaps we think things have changed and trick ourselves into believing they have when actually all we’re doing is acting out what looks like a change. Convincing ourselves that we are doing things differently. When actually, fundamentally nothing is really different. And when things begin to fall around you the false wall of protection comes hurtling down exposing an uncomfortable reality behind it. That there are certain mannerisms and behaviours that we revert back to when everything else fails. A core being that is at the base of what makes us who we are and to some degree is an unchangeable beast.
I am intrigued by it to say the least and although things have been tough it is interesting to watch these patterns emerge and perhaps when things calm down I’ll be able to understand them better.
Watch this space!